Monkey Sex

The Monkey BarThe oldest profession may be a little older than we think. Prostitution, largely known as the domain of humans, and let's face it, males in particular, actually may have its origins in Chimpanzees. I know, it sounds like a hoax, but it was reported by the Discovery Channel that male chimpanzees exchange meat for sex. The difference, apparently, is that meat is not a currency and this is done on a longer-term basis.  Perhaps the longer-term basis could be equated with a more traditional type of marriage than we now have?  The more money, the more honey?

The researchers found that more meat doubled the male Chimpanzees luck with the ladies- strangely reinforcing the money,-honey theory.

And, because males of many kinds are horny (for lack of a better term),  it also appears that Maquaque Monkeys will groom females in order for the right to sex. I'm not sure if this is really a case of prostitution or more an unusual form of foreplay, which some scientists actually suspect led to the more creative human foreplay. Kind of like taking a bath or shower with your partner, perhaps.  The scientists said that the grooming would actually get the monkeys excited sexually- usually the males.

The grooming lasts between half a minute and 30 minutes, which is also strangely like foreplay I guess. And, just like humans, the more powerful monkeys "take more and give less." I’m sure I read a Kinsey report saying the same thing about humans.  The article failed to mention whether the younger males spent as much time on “foreplay” or “grooming” as the older monkeys.

According to the Discovery article, "Male monkeys--especially lower status ones--have to groom more to get more action when fewer females are around." Unfortunately for the older females, male monkeys don't groom themselves nearly as much for the non-fertile females.  Again, this sounds strangely similar to humans. You rarely see an older man get all gussied up for a date with a woman his own age, but if he has a chance for a younger hottie, that changes things entirely. New clothes, new car….you get the drill.

The male monkeys do a bit of flirting before the grooming. Their nicer tricks include head bobbing, raised eyebrows, and lip-smacking, which has the reverse effect on human females.  Who knows, though? These might be better techniques than the less than smooth pick-up-lines you hear in bars.