Animal sex is totally different than human sex and I think the main reason has to do with the fact that there are a lot of strange animal penises out there. There are  animals with multiple penises, animals with testicles that explode on copulation, animals with strangely-placed penises, and animals with ginormous members resembling corkscrews.

Lizards:

Just last week, scientists discovered a new lizard in the Phillipines. In addition to the fact that the lizard is easily as tall as an average-sized man, the lizard has what biologists are calling a “double-penis”. Before you think that this would be exciting and/or pleasurable for a woman, consider this: the double-penis is actually two penises which can be used in rotation and the penises often contain barbs “to hook the female”.

Unless you are into accupuncture in the genitalia region, this kind of sex might create a thorny situation.



Flatworms:

If you are of the opinion that two penises are not enough, flatworms have a dozen penises despite the fact that they are hermaphrodites. Click HERE to watch a video of the strange mating rituals of the flatworms which involve penis fights.


Bees:

Like the Black Widow, the Queen Bee has more than a little bit of power in the relationship with the “drones”. The Queen waits until she has reached an acceptable age to have sex and then chooses roughly a dozen, handsome drones to have sex with.  I am not sure if the sex is pleasurable or not for the Queen, but it does not end so well for the male drones- their testicles explode inside her, which kills the drones.

Snails:

Like flatworms and the main character in “Middlesex”, snails are hermaphrodites. Their penises are located on their necks. The next time you use the word d*ckhead, think of the snail and the fact that the word might not be all that pc for the poor snail with its awkwardly-placed penis.


 

The Argentine Bluebill Duck:

If you need a corkscrew to open your bottle of wine, but don’t have one, I suggest using the penis of an Argentine Bluebill Duck instead because their penises are shaped like corkscrews. Of course, if the the penis is flaccid, it is curled up inside the duck, so it wouldn’t be much use to a thirsty wine drinker- maybe a trip to the store wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all. It should also be noted that the Argentine Bluebill Duck is well-known for being well-endowed.